Life Therapy?

(c) telegraph.co.uk

You know those days where you feel like crap? The ones where everything from your hair to your cooking is going wrong, your top somehow doesn’t match your new skirt and you can’t help but wonder ‘What if…?’ about your job, ex and everything in between. Oh yes, you know those days.
Well ladies, you don’t have to suffer any longer, I have the answer. He’s the early morning saviour of the unemployed, steely-faced as he wades through lie detector results and DNA tests galore; he’s dealt with thieves, underage pregnancies and more love triangles than the average Premier League footballer. Of course he is Jeremy Kyle.
I am fully urging you to tune into La Kyle if you’re ever in need of a pick-me-up when life isn’t quite what you hoped it would be, for Jezza truly is the perfect antidote to My Life Is Crap Syndrome…

· Area 1: Man Troubles
There’s nothing that gets you down quite like the behaviour of men. Single or taken, serious or having fun, the dilemmas are never far away. ‘Does he like me as much as I like him?’, ‘Why can’t he help around the house more?’, ‘Will he label me a slut if I sleep with him before Date Three?’
You may never get any answers to these questions and they’ll stay burrowed in your brain until the whole into him/help/slut situation is all you can think of. They might seem like impossible-to-deal-with niggles, but here comes Jeremy Kyle to blow your man woes out of the water!
The ante has been upped; lies, cheating, threesomes, meddling families…somehow your male-related problems seem as important as what to choose for tea, leaving you to sit there smugly thinking ‘Well at least MY boyfriend isn’t a potential father to his best friend’s cousin’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s babysitter. And at least he didn’t meet her on Facebook.’
Enjoy Date Three.

· Area 2: Appearance Insecurities
If the dodgy male behaviour isn’t enough to perk you up in the ‘my life’s better than yours’ stakes, the female guests could well be the answer to your problems.
Fresh on the Kyle Catwalk are all the latest council estate looks, from tracksuit bottoms teamed with grubby vest tops, to too-small jeans and ‘quirky’ t-shirts from Select circa 1999, not forgetting that there’s usually enough cheap gold jewellery on display to show exactly why Argos is still in business.
Team all this gorgeousness with the very best Croydon facelifts and squiggly scratcher tattoos, and suddenly your uncertainties about trousers or a skirt are proven completely unfounded.
But that’s not all. If your hair is misbehaving, simply be thankful for the following: at least it’s not ginger-dyed-black with a good three inches of roots growing through. Greasy roots. With visible dandruff. Proudly displayed on national TV.

· Area 3: Annoying Friends
Let’s face it, we all have them. The ‘why won’t he call me back?’ girl, the ‘guess what I heard today…’ girl or the ‘I’m so fat’ size 6 girl.
You give your shoulders for tears and ears for comfort and sometimes you just can’t help wishing you hadn’t bothered. Sometimes the problems of friends get on your wick, which is perfectly normal, they were probably looking for the nearest exit when you dissected your latest break-up for the hundredth time.
Stop right there though! After an hour with Jeremy you’ll be begging your bestie for some mindless gossip and dying for her to complain about faux-fatness simply to tell her how fabulous she actually is.
Look at it this way: has she ever tried it on with your man?  Has she ever tried to implicate you in any dodgy dealings? Has she ever stolen money off you and used it to pay for drugs? No, no, no. Most importantly, though, has she ever allowed you to go on national TV dressed like a long-lost relative of Worzel Gummidge? HELL no. And she never would. She’d never do any of those things, which is something you’ll be eternally grateful for after hearing of the double-crossing shenanigans of Jezza’s finest.

· Area 4: Career Doubts
As a fresh-face 18-year-old you headed off to university with every intention of becoming the best lawyer in the country. By the first set of holidays the doubt crept in, your liver was functioning at 30% and the majority of the previous three months was a fancy dress-filled blur.
Come the first set of Easter holidays uni life is a distant memory and, four years later, you’re in the same job you had to get when you moved back to your parents’ house. So your life’s not gone exactly according to plan, but there’s no need to feel bad about it.
The tracksuited, lie detecting brigade are on hand to make your dowdy 9-5 feel like a high-flying power career that’d impress Alan Sugar. You may well ask why, and the answer is the surprisingly simple: at least you have a job. It may not be what you set out to do, but you can feel happy in the knowledge that you’re a contributing member of society.
All too often the guests on Mr. Kyle’s programme are jobless layabouts, happily claiming benefits with no intentions of looking for work to provide for the uncountable number of unplanned children they’ve brought into the world. And they’re unashamedly happy about this set-up. This instantly gives you the moral high ground and the feeling of smugdom you deserve for being a worthy member of the United Kingdom.

So there are four key areas for you to stop stressing about. The next time you’re having one of those days just sit back, pop the telly on and indulge in some Jeremy therapy.
Your life will never have seemed so perfect.